Lately I've been collecting fortunes from fortune cookies every time I eat Chinese food, ie. approximately once a week. I don't know who started the trend of adding "in bed" to fortunes, but it makes for some decent chuckles, and in some cases makes the fortune seem somewhat more profound. I'm bored and I thought I would add some of the better ones here:
Now is the time to try something new... in bed.
I took this one seriously and recently decided to try adding something new to my bedroom repertoire: a woman. BUDDUMP TSST!! AAAYYYY OOOHHHHHHHHHH! Can you hear me in the back? Is this thing on?
You are going to have a very comfortable old age... in bed.
This one sounds comforting, but take it from someone who has worked in a nursing home: old people's beds can be utterly disgusting. Between bedpans, bedsores and bed-head (the bad kind, not the good kind), old age in bed is looking like a shitty way to end one's days (pun intended). Although, if you combine it with the previous fortune and a good dose of Viagra, things start looking a little better... especially if you're German.
People find it difficult to resist your persuasive manner... in bed.
Uhhh, tell me something I didn't know! Ancient Chinese secret my ass...
And my two favourites:
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded... in bed.
"Suitably rewarded" is the key phrase here... I'm envisioning a combination of a sorority pillow fight and something out of "Caligula", but perhaps I'm just being modest...
A friend asks only for your time, not your money... in bed.
If I wrote fortune cookie fortunes, I would replace this one with: "A true friend gives you money... in bed. And by "money", I mean "toe-curling oral sex". Beautiful, ain't it?
Seacrest, out.
