Pet Peeves Part One

1) People who try to get on an elevator before allowing the people inside to get off. I can understand if it happens occasionally because you're not really paying attention - that's probably happened to just about everyone. But I've noticed that there are people who do it with maddening regularity. Even worse are those people who feel that it somehow MAKES SENSE for people to get in the elevator before allowing others to disembark. These are the same people who think that toilet paper should be placed on the roller with the paper hanging at the back of the roll instead of the front, so you have to reach an extra few inches just because. These are also the same people who, when pouring a bowl of cereal, fill the goddamn bowl until it is heaping with cereal, then add milk and stare in utter confusion as the whole mess overflows, ruining their Care Bears tablecloth. My guess is they also have to eat with dull, plastic utensils to avoid facial scarring.

2) People who sit in bunches on stairwells, preventing others from using said stairs for their universally recognized purpose: ascending and descending. If they do move to make way for others, it's almost guaranteed that they'll simply shift from one ass-cheek to the other, expecting people to somehow navigate through a sea of shitheads without tripping and falling. But if I were to fall and accidentally ram a knee or elbow into one of their empty heads over and over, guess who goes to jail? These people should be ground up and fed to seagulls.

3) People who pronounce the word "schedule" as "shed-jool". This trend seems to have started with the English "stiff upper lip" crowd, and then caught on with that annoying group of people who love to emulate the English because it's somehow considered cool (Madonna is their fuhrer, and Gwyneth Paltrow their Goebbel). The English can be forgiven for it; they invented the English language, and I figure they've got the right to make adjustments now and then. But these hipsters who talk like they're English because they think it impresses people... You can tell these cretins from real humans by their tendency to use phrases like "cheers, mate" and "this is shite". Also, they have no soul. But back to "shed-jool"... come on... "shed-jool"? In the grand "sheem" of things, I guess it's not that big a deal, but back when I was in "shool" as a boy, I was taught to pronounce it as "sked-yool", with the same "sk" sound as every other word in the English language that begins with the letters "sch". It's easy to remember, just think of the word "scrotum". As in, "Chew on a scrotum, you wannabe English douchebag."

4) People who insist on using the word "an" instead of "a" before the words "history" and "historical". This is almost as annoying as the "schedule" morons. Let me ask you something, fuckers: when you're hungry, do you say "I am an hungry person"? If someone asks you the time, do you say "It is an half hour past 8:00"? No, because if you did, people would assume that you need to wear a helmet and diapers when you leave the house, because only a complete fucking retard would talk like that. But somebody, somewhere decided that "an historical" sounded "educated", so everyone jumped on the train to Shitheadville.

5) People who pronounce the word "the" as "thuh" instead of "thee" before a word that starts with a vowel. Example: try saying the phrase "the operation was a success" and pronouncing it "thuh operation was a success". You'll sound like one of those retarded kids whose tongue is too big for his mouth. The only way it's acceptable to pronounce it "thuh" is if you also lisp on the "s" sounds: "Thuh operation wuth a thucktheth". People will just assume you're missing a chromosome and they won't punch you in the face. Unless they're schoolchildren, because they think it's fun to punch retards. For some reason, Americans seem to be the most common perpetrators of this linguistic atrocity.

6) Jessica Simpson's horrid caterwauling. Sure, she's smoking hot and I would gladly throw a hungry child into Satan's outstretched arms in exchange for an hour in a hot tub with her, but holy christ, hearing her "sing" is like listening to a busload full of kittens burning to death. Watch this clip of her mauling Robbie Williams' "Angels" and you will envy the deaf. Don't ask me what the hell she's doing with her arms, because I really don't know. Shit like this is the reason the rest of the world hates America.

BeatDogg